I have my people. You have your people. Fuck you and your people.

The sound of technology makes me hate people

If you alternate your addictions, they are lessened to mere habits.

Don't fret if you don't know what you're doing with your life. It'll be over soon enough.

If Cher could reach the stars, she wouldn’t give any of them to you

Witches were pioneers of feminism and look at how that went.

Alliteration and rhyming when talking dirty are almost always the opposite of sexy. Don't ask me how I know this.

Here's a fun thing to do. Think about how old you'll be in 15 years

Bought a fly swatter, not to use on flies but to actually smack the fuck out of people who say “It is what it is”

I'm approaching the age at which I have to make the decision about whether or not to buy one of those bird feeders with the solar powered cameras you can watch on your phone.

Adulthood is just paying bills, grocery shopping, re-washing the same load of laundry, and crying in your car between errands.

Nothing pisses me off more than seeing someone walk down the street. Get a car

If you think about it, Fred Flintstone's car only has two wheels

Host a barbecue. Flaunt your meat. Show it to everyone. Watch them put it in their mouths and taste it.

No no babe, don't touch the lute.

Sorry I didn’t text back. I was busy floating outside your bedroom window in a Victorian nightgown.

[Takes long drag of cigarette] “And that’s why I’m not allowed within 50 feet of a Walmart.”

14 Deep Psychological Truths About Life That will Shift Your Perspective: 1.

A gangbang, but with hugs and compliments.

I like to get drunk and yell "USA USA USA" really loud at wedding receptions.