Has anyone lived long enough to buy a second bottle of Worcestershire sauce?

What do you want? -me flirting

chicken pot pie are three of my favourite things.

Hear me out, a smoke break but you light yourself on fire

hashtag cheat code

An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it

My kid got overheated and said the only thing that would help was french fries, and I’m not a doctor but that sounds about right

When you needed them, where were they?

Chicks will say "Hot girl summer!", and then be puking in a 7-11 parking lot at 3AM

Surround yourself with people that will leave you the fuck alone.

People should have to audition for Twitter.

It's beautiful when two people make love and then fall asleep in each others arms and then they get savagely mauled by bears because fuck love.

I’m starting to think the sharks on "Shark Week" eat people just to get on tv.

Plot twist: I don’t exist

Remember when we left the house without a phone and survived?

I don't wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors kiddie pool.

I have 1 hour to get sober. *Takes 5 tequila shots. I got this.

My strengths are your weaknesses but it doesn't ever equal out.