I don't want to go into detail, but the Dyson ball cleaner is a very misleading product name...

There's a secret society of people living amongst us that are keeping Long John Silvers in business.

I called trash “rubbish” today so I’m pretty sure I’m British now.

Back in My day, rich people would drive around in limos and borrow mustard from each other

I told my doctor it feels like somebody kicked me in the balls. As a good man of science, he jumped right into the process of elimination and asked, “Did somebody kick you in the balls?”

Just looked down at my favorite pink sneakers and discovered my dog, Peewee, peed all over the side of one. I'm out and about, shopping, wearing a urine-stained shoe. Classy.😩

Earnest Borgnine dancing naked to Fox on the Run is peak 70's vibe.

I used to be so much cooler, maybe it’s manipause

The most often forgotten item in your emergency kit? A can-do attitude.

I’m suing Big Social Media for making me too awesome.

I’m suing Big Social Media for making too many people fall in love with me at once. That’s the sort of thing that can lead to scurvy.

Not to be THAT dictionary, but… It’s ‘per se,’ not ‘per say.’ It’s ‘dog-eat-dog world,’ not ‘doggy-dog world.’ It’s ‘hunger pangs,’ not ‘hunger pains.’ It’s ‘one and the same,’ not ‘one in the same.’ It's 'buck naked,' not 'butt naked.'

I can’t tell you how many times this has worked for me.

Back in the old Twitter days, they let us have lemon bars with powdered sugar at recess.

If you’re wondering what I look like without a shirt on just picture Iggy Pop in 15 years.

Now that Artemis II has launched we have 10 days to get everyone on Earth a Planet of the Apes costume so we can do something hilarious when the astronauts return 😁

Just think in 100 years family heirlooms will be garbage from amazon with brand names like TFANYKO

The algorithm acts like I put walnuts on its birthday cake so now it has to pick them out of the frosting while glaring at me.

If this were a simulation, there wouldn’t be so much dog hair in my Velcro.