Every single media member covering the Deshaun Watson story

I don’t care what anyone says; credenzas, sideboards, buffets, console tables, and tv stands are all the same god damn thing.

Screw it, I’m getting crocs.

You know what. Someone’s gotta say it. White flag by Dido is the best song made in the last 20 years. Shit slaps

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**me at the pay window at McDonald’s Cashier: “$1.39.” Me: **hands cashier my card Cashier: **turns on bad company by five finger death punch. Makes eye contact with me and bobs his head to the music. My dumbass: **looks back at him and bobs my head to the music.

Forgive me Biden for I have loaned.

If Amari Cooper scores a touchdown AND Cleveland wins tonight, we'll give an Amari Cooper autographed jersey to someone who retweets this tweet AND follows us!

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If Nick Chubb scores 2+ touchdowns AND Cleveland wins today, we'll give a Nick Chubb autographed jersey to someone who retweets this tweet AND follows us! (Note: Be aware of potential scam accounts. We will NOT message you asking for your credit card information.)

If Nick Chubb scores 2+ touchdowns AND Cleveland wins today, we'll give a Nick Chubb autographed jersey to someone who retweets this tweet AND follows us!

🔔Noti Test Giveaway! 1 Follower with Notifications ON will win a FREE gift card. Like + Retweet within 1 HOUR to enter🔔 More throughout the holiday season so be ready🎁

🎉GIVEAWAY VALUED OVER $1K🎉 For a chance to win a 3080Ti EVGA Graphics Card: ✅Like + Retweet ✅Follow Internet Deals at @Tracker_Deals If you win + don't want to use it, sell it! Those who unfollow will be disqualified📝 Entries close in the last week of December!🎄🎁 #Giveaway #GPU #Christmas

If Nick Chubb scores 2+ touchdowns AND Cleveland wins today, we'll give a Nick Chubb autographed jersey to someone who retweets this tweet AND follows us! (Note: be aware of potential scam accounts. We will NOT message you asking for your credit card information.)

Last night as we were leaving the zoo there was a couple ending their first date and the guy was trying to seal the deal. As I was getting into my car my calf cramped and I screamed like a little bitch. I definitely ruined this guys chances and I just wanted to say I’m sorry.

Apparently some people have a specific gene that makes cilantro taste like soap. I bet some people have this gene and like cilantro, and really just like the taste of soap. Bunch of weirdos.

**at a team lunch for work. The song “I touch myself” by divinyls is playing over the restaurant’s speakers. Coworker: “Man they’re playing some bangers in here”

God damn it

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