Have you guys heard of this “goalkeeper” guy? Get this: He’s the only fella on the field who can use his hands. All the other chumps are stuck using their feet. Dude’s a genius

Every time I leave the house and have to put my dog in her kennel, “Cat’s in the Cradle” plays inside my head and a small part of me dies inside

I saw “Avatar: The Way of Water” on opening night. Here are my key takeaways: Whales seem like the type of dudes you could share a beer with

CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL US LIFELONG ARGENTINA FANS SINCE LIKE TWO HOURS AGO IT’S BEEN A LOT OF TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS BUT WE FINALLY DID IT

Imagine everyone on earth develops incredible super powers, and you end up being the guy who can read oysters’ thoughts

LeBron is a pretty good basketball player I guess

“I don’t like LeBron James” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

I’ve been a dog owner for 7 months now and after watching “John Wick”… I get it

My dog watching me put my clean socks away like:

If you need a good laugh today:

How’s my immune system? Let’s just say, I still use my teeth to undo my shoelaces every day

“Nice turn signal, idiot” - Me, driving over the speed limit, steering with my knees, eating a banana, & changing the song on my phone

Kyle leaves the country, and now Canada is on fire Kyle what did you do

Happy Birthday Fathers

The government doesn’t want you to know that there’s a little agent under your shower drain that collects all of your pee

com·men·sal·ism an association between two organisms in which one benefits and the other derives neither benefit nor harm. For example: I eat a banana, and without hesitation, feed the god-forsaken butthole of doom to my dog. She accepts happily

For the love of GOD, you don’t have to TOUCH the glass when you’re pointing at something you’re ORDERING to eat

Bring back the Seattle SuperSonics

Just a friendly reminder to check your kids’ Halloween candy. I found one of these in a Snickers last year. Unbelievable