My favorite thing about Twitter is the fact that every couple days the CPR episode of the office shows up on my feed without fail

Some people make fun of me for not drinking, but who's gonna be laughing when we're all 70 and I'm the only one with a functioning liver?

Is it possible to find love at a family reunion? If it's even a question, you don't live deep enough in the south

"Yo, what that mouth do?" *proceeds to slurp down an entire cup of noodles in one gulp*

Since I moved out I've learned a lot. Most important lesson is that nothing comes easy... Unless it's a virgin.

Avoid having a bad day at work by not getting a job!

Only in Utah can you consistently have someone singing Disney songs in your vicinity

PSA: if you see someone trying to relax by the pool, don't come and kill the vibe by being loud and obnoxious. It's very douchey.

Ive decided I'm gonna be an emotionally stable adult for Halloween

*hits snooze 11 times*

Having a stressful day at work? Easy fix: quit

If you plant a pumpkin spice latte in the ground, water it with vodka, and play country music around it, a sorority house will grow. Merica.

@BrianRoberts29 vegan?

Utah: the place where people ask if you're married before asking if you're in a relationship

They say money doesn't buy happiness. They also say it's more comfortable to cry in a nice car than on a bike.

I'll tell you what, gambinos album gonna save 2016

@BrianRoberts29 lol that girl thinks her man is gonna be able to sex for 80 years. won't even be able to get it up after 40 years

Cool part about having a birthday on the 6th of January is I can make New Years resolutions and then break them all 6 days later

I think 10 year old me is satisfied with my weekly ice cream intake

New year new me! And new me is going to be way more depressed than old me