NFL officials are kind of like parents by keeping all the players in check. But it’s a good thing there are some differences because if I got ejected from the house every time I hit a sibling in the face, I think I may have grown up homeless. #gopackgo

At the grocery store and I hear, “you are every man’s dream.” Just what every 29 year old single female wants to hear...from the 60 year old Italian man. 🙄 How is one supposed to respond to that? Thank you, creepy man?

Google Maps needs to add a feature that lets you know that the “similar ETA” route is also being taken by Karen in her Prius who drives well below the speed limit and has no clue how turn signals work. And also that this route is really not similar at all and should not be taken.

I really don’t get why credit card machines at the store ask you if the amount is OK. It’s not like if I press “no,” the machine is just like, OK, these groceries are free then. No, it’s not OK, but since I need to eat this week, I’ll press yes. But you’ve just made me a liar.

Me watching any suspenseful movie: *frightened characters hear a creak in a haunted house Before watching Bird Box: “Why are you walking toward the noise??” After watching Bird Box: “Put on your stupid blindfold!”

Hey iPhone, if you could stop autocorrecting Goonies to agonies, that’d be great. I said what said. All three times.

This Netflix subscription pricing increase is stressing me out. I know most users will agree to pay the extra $2, but every time I open the app now, I’m just hoping my subscriber is one of them. I’m sure she is.

Today I got a casting notice looking for “Authentic girl-next-door type, not a model. Expressive face. Subtle reactions, charming and charismatic with a quick wit.” And honestly, I'm just wondering how they got a hold of my bio.

After careful review of my finances, I’m pleased to say I can finally afford to rent my own place in Santa Monica! Just have to cut back on other expenses. Like car payments. And insurance. And groceries. Basically anything that’s not rent. #livingthedream

Currently teaching myself how to use Photoshop. Been on it for 20 minutes and so far all I've done is create a green box. And to be honest, I'm pretty proud of myself.

I just want to go everywhere in my comfy athletic leggings and Ts. I’m tired of this social “dress code.” Can we start a new trend? Everyone wear what you want. Just do you. Be comfortable. Aaaand go. Ok, better go put on my jeans and make myself presentable for the public. 🙄

I’ll be honest. From a financial / living situation standpoint, a husband would really come in handy. What I’m saying is applications are now being accepted. Resumes without salary information will not be considered.

Ever go to the grocery store for something, and there’s a discount if you buy 5, but you only need 2 so you walk through the aisles looking for any other items included in the qualifying 5 item discount deal that you could use just to save $2 on what you came for? Me neither.

Ever get invited to a wedding and then wait until after you’ve gone to the wedding to decide whether you’ll send them a gift? Asking for a friend.

There’s nothing more nerve-racking than having to sneeze while driving. *Has to sneeze while eating.* I stand corrected.

It's my annual "I should just return to Twitter because the rest of social media is trash" day. We'll see how long this lasts. Anybody out there?

Working on my spinoff to The Great British Baking Show. I’m calling it, Your baking is trash. Prove me wrong.

My favorite things about online dating are setting up my profile and then immediately deleting my profile.

Wearing a mask isn’t all that bad. It’s been more than 4 months since any man has told me to smile.

Dating apps be like...Him: Your so beautiful and funny. How are you still single? Me: You’re*