The Director of Corporate Affairs at Carlton was David Cameron. This is what gave him enough clout to stand as party leader, but just as critically, it's where he began his campaign to parachute private-sector Tories into public-service media. So in a sense... yes, this is true.

"From her appearance, Watson, I deduce that the 'lady' is a confidence trickster of poor antecedents who has spent some time among savages in the Americas." "Good Lord! But... how can you be sure?" "I just look at her and think, 'she's awful'." - Eamonn Holmes and Dr Watson.

Now wondering if it'd be possible to reconstruct the whole of "Cats" inside "Skyrim" using customised Khajiit characters. (I haven't seen "Cats" and I've never played "Skyrim", but that sort of critical mass could attract anybody.) #JellicleMod

Whenever a church issues "guidance" for sex, I always think...

"Chart of tyrannosaurus teleporter accidents."

Amazing to think that the myth of Britain as "the plucky island-nation who stood alone and beat Hitler" is the thing which has finally sunk us. 75 years on, it turns out that we were the biggest single losers of World War Two. Every other country managed to move on from it.

HAHAHAHAHA IT'S A PARODY ACCOUNT DON'T YOU SEE

no I don't I'm clinically paranoid and depressed I had no idea and I thought I was being threatened

HA HA HA HA HA YOU FUCKING IDIOT

YOU FUCKING IDIOT

YOU IDIOT

YOU STUPID FUCKING IDIOT HA HA HA

I spent two hours crying, yes I've been crying, yes I've been fucking crying, I don't know anything HA HA HA YOU STUPID FUCKING IDIOT

During which time I told the only person I genuinely love and car about that I'm a piece of shit and deserve to die HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

I. CAN'T. DO. THIS. ANY. MORE. KILL ME. I'M TOO MUCH OF A COWARD TO STAB MYSELF MY FUCKING SELF. KILL ME.