Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.

When you make bacon and then your whole house smells like bacon but then you’re sad because no more bacon

No one: 3: Next time I see someone with a present I’m gonna take it and open it, ok?

Our dog eats dinner twice, once when we feed him and once when the kids eat

Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”

10yo said my “beautiful silver hair is like shimmering gossamer,” and I think she wins for biggest suckup today.

I like bad jokes because bad jokes are dad jokes and I love dad -my kid, figuring it all out

Having kids is just a constant fluctuation between feeling deep pride for them and thinking they’re the biggest assholes on the planet.

One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero

When we were little my mom would tell us to go outside and play and we did and now I tell my kids to go outside and play and they’re like can I bring the iPad?

My 2yo calls pepperonis "Peppa Pigs." He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.

Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don't make me explain.

i don't know why i think i can win the lottery when i have a 50/50 chance of getting the usb plugged in correctly on the first try but 99% of the time i get it wrong.

As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.

One day my 7yo wanted to make a poetry journal. Wrote a note asking people to send their poems. Put that note in every mailbox on our street.Waited at the top of the driveway. … I said, “Buddy, just be prepared. Most people don’t write poems. Most don’t even read them.” 1/2

As a mom, I don’t need a front passenger seat in my mini van, I need a snack cupboard and arts and craft storage

When anyone asks how I’m doing I just say raging and then they don’t ask anymore.

My wife was frantically looking for her misplaced car keys as we were running late to an event and let me tell ya, that was not an appropriate time to make pocket jokes.

Marriage is being in trouble cause your spouse burnt the toast and then blamed it on the way you loaded the dishwasher on Monday night

but i don't want to do that. -my kids -also me as an adult