Hear me out - Ibuprofen infused bourbon. Two problems, one solution.

Who knew Orwell was a psychic.

Wow Verizon is truly awful on more levels than I could ever imagine.

17,885 days herion free.

Ya girl is officially 7 months sober from alcohol and nicotine! 🥰❤️🎉

I only use navigation to hear "you have arrived" so I can pretend like I'm Elvis.

My wife crocheted this eyeglass holder and I'm okay with her continuing to make stuff like this.

GO BIRDS!!!!!!!!!!

People in relationships live 10% longer than single people because someone else is paying attention to their moles.

I forgot to charge my electric toothbrush and I have to move my arm up and down like a caveman

The "401" in my 401(k) actually refers to the age where I'll have enough money to retire.

On top of being sad I also have a new wheat allergy. Have you ever tried to stress-eat gluten free bread? I’m more depressed than before I started.

You will never have enough. Mastering life is discovering how to be content with what you have.

Good morning! ☀️ Tastes like a Friday!

It’s just a Dead Milkmen kind of morning. :)

Button-fly jeans are not what they used to be or I'm not what I used to be.