When I check into a hotel and the clerk asks me the reason for my stay, I like to tell them “bounty hunter” just to see how the conversation changes.

"With a budget of about $800,000 ..." "So relatable," Kyle thinks to himself as he knives into his gourmet Hot Pockets before going back to inquiring what a kidney goes for on the black market these days.

“He’s practically an honorary McCaskey, except bolder.” I’ve been trying to speak this into existence for years THANK YOU

IT’S 5:51 P.M. WHERE IS THE SUN. WHY ARE WE STILL DOING DAYLIGHT SAVING TIME IN 2021. NO ONE WANTS THIS.

It’s the time of year when music publications release their top 100,000 songs of the year or whatever and every time I’ve never even heard of more than 3 of the songs and that’s how I know the music I listen to is absolute garbage. I love it.

Stomach: That’s enough Christmas cookies for today. Brain: Not eating every single holiday cookie by the end of the day would be disrespectful to Jesus. Finish the job.

John Madden was the Madden 2004 Michael Vick of sports broadcasting.

I’m on Day 3 of my new year’s resolution to not exercise any days at all this year and so far so good. It feels awesome.

His name is Robert Paulsen. His name is Robert Paulsen. His name is Robert Paulsen. His name is Robert Paulsen.

This is the best Super Bowl ever.

But wait, there's more! Fav drink: Iced caramel mac Fav number of hours to sleep in a day: 14 Knees wrecked: 1 Walls dented while getting smoked in a foot race by her uncle: 1 Most common spot held on the #NiecePowerRankings: 1

Every time we get an earthquake I get so excited that the earth is opening and I’m going to be swallowed into the abyss and The Rock will have to come save me with a helicopter but he never shows.

Pitchers and catchers report in negative-8 days! Can’t wait! Big S/O to baseball for constantly ruining baseball.

The amount of criminals that escape through restaurant kitchens in the movies is wildly disproportionate with real life. Applebee’s would be vastly more interesting with a nightly crime heist.

Acceptable ways to greet me the rest of the week: 1. “Hey yo.” 2. A Too Sweet Wolfpac gesture 3. Flicking a toothpick into my face 4. Razor’s Edge-ing me into the sun. RIP to the bad guy.

We're getting the band back together! What you up to Mark Teahen???

What we need is the lights to go dark, gray smoke to fill the arena, the Undertaker’s gong to ring and then Brandon Rush and Mario Chalmers walk out of the tunnel to each drop 30 pieces on UNC in the second half. #RockChalk

Danny Manning, Todd Reesing and Mario Chalmers have welcomed David McCormack into the KU Immortal Swagger chat room. #RockChalk

. Minnesota Twins Chicago White Sox Detroit Tigers Cleveland Guardians LOOK AT IT. SOAK IT IN. IT’S GLORIOUS.

Very excited to announce I am also enrolling at Cloud next year as a full-time softball uncle. Big day of commitments for both of us.