Woke up and panicked thinking I had a bug in my shirt. It was just some granola. Yeah, it could be seen as a problem that I definitely haven’t eaten granola recently but I’m choosing to see this as a day of appreciating life’s little mysteries

Forget clubs and bars, my friends. If you wanna meet a person truly worthy of your bangable self, post up by your local polling place #civicsissexy

Apropos of EVERYTHING—I refuse to board my DOG in a facility that has cages. Do better America.

Babies in bars=👎🏻 Books in bars =👍🏻 #thethingstheyvetaken #itsalwayssunnyinphiladelphia #siblingcrosspromotion (Photo credit Patrick McElhenney)

Imagine all of the terrorist attacks that would have been stopped if Donald J. Trump had gotten his travel ban 500 days ago! Wait, what's that? Zero terrorist attacks by immigrants? Nearly all the mass shootings were white citizens? Many who identified as MAGA? Huh...

Seriously—has anyone ever left the dentist thinking, “That was great! I didn’t even do anything super weird with my tongue while trying really hard not to do something super weird with my tongue.”

We all have a story to tell. Thanks Meredith for sharing yours! youtu.be/p4wM2kYnf-k

NatGeo IG: Look! An adorable animal baby! Me: ... NatGeo IG: You’re not looking. Me: Cause you’re just gonna tell me it’s endangered. NatGeo IG: Will not! Me: Ok. Wow that IS a cute— NatGeo IG: Fooled you! Totally endangered. Prolly already extinct now. See ya tomorrow!

Agarbatti, vegetable hair, hat bodies, reptile leather, cultured crystals, malt beer, 35mm film, acid violet 19: Products effected by an escalating trade war or the makings of a bitching Saturday night? You decide.

Call me crazy but I think a LIFETIME appointment should come with a demonstrated LIFETIME of ethics.

Pretty sure Trump is actually a corporate tax evasion horcrux. Beware, my Muggles. Beware...

Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. People’s lives are literally depending on you.

If you had time to swing by the abandoned Blockbuster that’s masquerading as a Halloween store for your sexy podiatrist costume and fog juice, you have time to vote next week.

Listening to the president speak off the cuff is like sitting through a middle schooler giving a report on a book they didn’t read and a movie version they slept through

Fun fact: I’m always proud of all three of my amazing and brave brothers. Stuff like this is why. Congrats Rob Mac. vulture.com/2018/11/its-al…

How do you say, “throwing shade” in French?

This is us. #writehere #writenow

This ol' thing turns 1 today. Thanks to everyone who bought it but never read it, read it but didn't buy it, never read it or bought it but we're kind enough to tell convincing lies about both. Your support means everything. Love you all!

This sounds less like a company and more like an insult. "Yeah, I dated that dude for like a month. Ugh. He was a total pond."

College Majors Translated