‘Figure Skating’ to be renamed ‘Yuzuru Hanyu’s Sport’ after Yuzu’s Nationals free skating today. “He’s really everything that this sport is about. His name represents us better than the word figure skating,” said JNat’s Judge 9.

Happy Valentine’s Day!! Remember to leave room for Jesus ✝️

Figure Skating Women’s SP announcement: Judges have decided to add +10 points to the score of Kamila Valieva. “This has nothing to do with Kamila at all. The added points will not give her any additional benefit. It’s difficult enough that this is happening to her.”

Official Women’s Short Programme Standings: 1- HIGUCHI Wakaba [JPN] 🇯🇵 2- SAKOMOTO Kaori [JPN]🇯🇵 3- YOU Young [KOR]🇰🇷

Kamila Valieva’s grandfather revealed to be an amateur magician. His specialty: making bags of heart medication appear on command.

Comment below!! What’s your favourite Olympic moment of Eteri Tutberidze, our ISU Coach Of The Year?😍 Is it when she 1) berated Kamila Valieva for falling in her free skate, 2) told Alexandra Trusova to accept her ‘defeat’, or 3) let her students get harassed by the media?

Congratulations to Bing Dun Dun for landing the first 4A in both directions!! 🎉🎉 x.com/noodletango/st…

With Sui Wenjing and Han Cong of China joining GOATS Yuna Kim, Yuzuru Hanyu and Virtue/Moir in achieving a career Super Slam, we regret to inform you that the Infinity Gauntlet is now complete. Perfection has been achieved. This is the end of figure skating forever.

A MIDZY made it to the Olympics! Watch Alysa Liu make their dream come true — of bringing “you got me like cray-cray-crazy love” to Olympic ice. “Now ITZY are a part of international sport history.”

The International Olympic Committee has now officially declared Bing Dwen Dwen as the luckiest mascot of all time.

NASA has officially declared Yuzuru Hanyu to be a fixed point in the universe. “He united the fandoms, stole all the attention at the Olympics and skated the best performance of the night at the gala. The truth is undeniable: he is the centre around which the universe orbits.”

In light of the French government banning Russian athletes from entering, the ISU has decided to hold Worlds at Sambo-70 instead.

News report: The International Skating Onion account was contacted by Yuzuru Hanyu via Twitter DMs today.

Yuzuru Hanyu’s recent interview reveals he has a new hobby: reading fan twitter threads. “I love knowing what I’d look like as a fish, or a type of gyoza.”

New dating rumour 👀👀 Aliona Kostornaia and Edward Cullen are allegedly dating.

Vote: Which body part of Yuzuru Hanyu will figure skating twitter stans argue over next?

ISU votes for the words “figure” & “skating” to be removed from figure skating. The sport will instead be called “”. “Both terms won’t really apply anymore. We removed compulsory figures, and now we’re working to remove skating from it as well. It’ll be redundant,” said the ISU

Yuzuru Hanyu announces retirement from competitive figure skating this morning. “Good luck selling tickets without me,” he said to the ISU in his press conference today.

All figure skating competitions this year to be cancelled — the skating world officially declares a year of silence to mark Yuzuru Hanyu’s retirement. “We haven’t announced the Grand Prix assignments because there won’t be any.”

BREAKING NEWS TODAY: Thousands of fans simultaneously shift into a universe where Yuzuru Hanyu isn’t famous, try to give him all their money