My wife is looking for the caulk so I can fix something. But I won’t tell her where it is because she just keeps walking around saying “where’s the caulk” “have you seen the caulk” “I need the caulk” and it’s so fucking funny 😂😂😂

Beetlejuice is still the best Halloween movie 🤷🏼‍♂️

Struggling is driving at night with an astigmatism.

When people tell you to slow down because kids live in this neighborhood, im like damn they already belong to the streets?

I may not have 6 to carry my a casket, but I’ll have 3 drunks drawing dicks on it and doing their best not to drop me.

Them birds in parking lots gotta be working for the government. Always look around your cars trying to find something.

Damn near pissed myself today but it’s not my fault. It’s hard to pull 2” of pecker with 6” of clothes on.

Ya know we kill dogs for hurting children but we let pedophiles live 🤔

I wonder how much money Brady gave Maher to miss field goals tonight lol.

Dropped off my truck today to get body work done and honestly the rental car is not it. I need my truck back.

Me and my wife moved on up and bought a camper, so far we love it and can’t wait for the summer!

No one should change who they are to fit the narrative for someone else. You are who you are and own it and love it. Impress yourself and love yourself for who you are.

Why worry about yesterdays fuck ups, when you have tomorrows fuck ups to look forward to

I had 3 beers, a mimosa, 2 eggs scrambled, potatoes and a ribeye steak for breakfast. The lake better watch out cuz I’m ready for ya.

We paid $400 to a vet that said “we don’t know what’s wrong, cook her chicken and rice”. So here I am cooking for the dog. Somehow I think our dog and the vet are in this one together 🤔

A lost submarine with billionaires inside is really sounding like a planned Father’s Day gift at this point 🤷🏼‍♂️

Man I’ve been feeling like a woodpecker in a petrified Forrest, not getting shit done but I sure look busy.

My problem is that I’ll answer to dumbass. Like a complete stranger could holler dumbass in a crowd and I’ll turn around like huh?

If your prayers include me to stop drinking then I promise they aren’t gonna be answered.

My wife got me the two best gifts in the world!