shoes are for the weak

i lost a bet and diego got to cut my hair…. i dont want to talk about it 😔

i was not put on earth to forgive and forget. i was put here to be a hater

i wouldnt say i fuck with him your honor

i just found a whole cigarette on the ground 😁🙏 god is good

you lost me at no alcohol, but boy oh boy are those guys hunky

why does garlic have to wear so many little jackets

sending dave every cat picture i see with the caption “us” until he proposes

happy fathers day to the worst man i know! i’ll see you guys at the bar 🫡

i’m not a kleptomaniac im just on a budget!

i want to take a stranger to couples therapy and just make up random arguments and stories until the therapist realizes we dont actually know each other

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!! cheers to the gayest holiday out there

dave you will do a slutty couples costume with me. you will wear fishnets and lace and fake blood ooooohhh ahhhhh

6’1 and a sub? GREEDY!!! SELFISH!! (im sorry davey i love you <3)