Yay. Truth.

I need a British accent. Ricky Gervais how does one choose the best British accent to emulate? Or am I’m doomed to failure? #BornInTexasButIDontEvenHaveThatAccent #IMeanHowCoolDoesEmmaWatsonSoundAnyTimeSheSpeaks

Clickety clack. Clickety clack. Silence. My hound dog’s nails suddenly stop making noise... Me: Lucy! What are you up to?! Lucy: Slurp... slurp... slurp Me: Dag Gummit Dog!!! Kids! The dog just ate your Dinner! #ISayThisTooOften #SucceedOrSurvive #FlippinCoonhound

Me: Bed. Are you breathing? Bed: (crickets) Me: This is so weird... Bed: Stop lifting your foot up & down and close that minuscule gap between the paisley pillow, me & your arm and this will stop being weird >Foot goes up and down Me: Holy crap! The bed is breathing! #LosingIt

Dog: If I walk by as nonchalantly as possibly, I wonder if my mom will notice that I’ve slipped the remote from the coffee table into my droopy, drooley face? Me: Lucy! What did you just take outside? Dog: It’s mine! I love it the most! You can never have it! (Runs away growling)

Just overheard by elementary school chess tournament announcer: “...We also have a belly button ring that someone left at their table, so if you’d like to claim that we are keeping in safe with Coach Gunner.” #TheseKidsAre12AndUnder #ThatsNotNormalRight #AmISoOutOfTouch

During a much-needed, long-overdue massage session today... Me: I always carry all of my stress in same shoulder Masseuse: we’ll open that up today, but for at least the next 36 hours after this session you need to try to RELAX RESPONSIBLY. #ThatsAThing #Relax #SucceedOrSurvive

Child: Mom, have you ever heard of a “butter-cut”? Me: I literally have no idea what you’re talking about Child: It’s when You’re about to hug Lucy’s bottom and she stands up. You get a buttercut to the face! #CleverMonkey

This. Well done Firehouse Books.

Yes!!

Today I am grateful for salt. It’s magical the way the ice on my driveway eventually goes away one little speckle at a time with salt. Would have been better to use said salt before falling on my toocus... but I’m still grateful. #ItsTheLittleThings

Chess Tournament Day To Do List: ✔️watch child from bleachers in 1 hr intervals ✔️do nails for evening festivities, ✔️entertain & engage other child spending day at said tournament and ✔️finish reading book started several weeks ago. ✔️smile encouragingly & don’t admit to boredom

“Why you be so mean?”

My heart ❤️ Baby elephant fell in a water trough & got stuck. Lions were waiting nearby & his mom started to panic. When things seemed hopeless, another elephant family charged in to help. Retweet if you believe TROPHY HUNTING of these animals should be illegal EVERYWHERE 😭

While studying for the quantitative part of the GRE, I see, “the math calculations required to figure out these questions IS fairly basic...” 🤦🏻‍♀️ #EditorProblems #NobodyNeedsMath #WhyAmISubjectedToThisTorture #FairlyBasicMyHiney #CorrectGrammarIsFairlyBasic

The lights of the Christmas tree remind us that Jesus is the light of the world, the light of our souls that drives away the darkness of hatred and makes room for forgiveness. #Christmas

I have decided that I am officially, definitely, indubitably, anti-math. I mean... come on! Why do I need to relearn exponents and cube roots at 40?!?! #AintNobodyGotTimeForThis #GREShouldJustLoveMeForMe

Adult onesies and super fun, cute and warm... then you have to pee in the morning. Sitting with the top half of your body exposed to the freezing cold morning air... less fun. #adultonesies

Has somebody tried turning Iowa off and turning it back on again?

Guests’ Chairs Tilt, Spray Water At Them During First-Ever 4D State Of The Union Address trib.al/tLWKhMo #SOTU