Fuck a wind chime

My roommate comes back and tries to small talk me about the snow. Bitch i haven't seen you in 12 days lets talk about where you've been

I should've played softball cuz I'm a catch... ha ha ha bye

The recipe to become a 40 year old virgin: Drive a Kia Soul Really, that's it. That's all you need.

All I want for my birthday is a puppy and not to go back to work

Returned to work after vaca. It's raining. I fell down the stairs. Might miss my train home. Oh and I forgot to put on deodorant. HBD 2 me!!

I ran to the train station tonight... Not so I could catch my train but so I had enough time to grab pizza beforehand

Just cut 2 onions and didn't shed a tear... that's right I am a STRONG ass woman

If someone you aren't close with has a booger or something in their teeth, what do you do???

SINCE U BEEN GONE is my fuckin jam real talk

Me at any Marshall's/TJ maxx: *tries on 20 items* leaves with a pair of socks and organic veggie chips

My reaction every time I see a dog

Things I look for in a guy: Funny Loyal A romantic 6'+ Ability to grow facial hair Makes 6 figures Ryan Gosling

My fat ass thought this was an ice cream sandwich.. x.com/popsci/status/…

I kid you not Diane reported her car as stolen when she was just looking for it on the wrong street