The veil is so thin at dollar tree I get scared

He’s watched “Horrible Bosses” one too many times

white people be like i have to pick up my dog’s Invisalign

when i get more active on twitter thats how you know im getting insane again

a whimsical woman needs a grounded man & a grounded man needs a whimsical woman

Politicians are not celebrities. They are public servants and they’ve forgotten their place.

mind you.. snitching on faye was the only smart thing she’s done thus far

Whenever I hear about a new disease I look it up to see if I have the symptoms, but as soon as I get to “unexplained weight loss” I know I’m safe.

Woody and Buzz, I am human so they'll just be toys, shove them in overhead bin, row to myself

Dear @apple, I don’t know what is going on with your damn keyboard, but I have NEVER in the 19 years of owning iPhones, had to backspace, retype, start over, correct words as much as I am now! And what happened to autocorrect!? Is that not a thing anymore? Please fix this!

Seeing this and realizing it was hidden underneath the hood— a crime

Wait this would actually make sense bc narcissists always reinvent themselves when they get with a new partner… they put on a facade but their true self always comes out eventually

i know a super hot shower is bad for your skin and hair but being boiled alive is important for my mental health

I’m so annoyed some twerp came in with a gun bc I really wanted to see his performance, he was hyping it up so much 😩

This era of men might breathe a sigh of relief and order that extra side lmfao

I love that more and more women are calling out their boyfriends for watching that misogynistic trash 🙂‍↕️

incredible how cats can detect the softest most sensitive organs in a human body for the sole purpose of standing on them with the weight of the sun concentrated into tiny kitty paws