Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone in 1876. So no, Eric. I don’t believe 1850 really called asking for their monocle back.

WATSON: Here's the weird thing. There's only one set of footprints. SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.

CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec? CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now.. CAMEL 1: It's one straw Marvin don't be like that

Good Neighbor: Hey I came as soon as I heard. You ok? State Farm (out of breath): SO DID WE WE'RE ALSO HERE WE GOT HERE AT LIKE THE EXACT SAME TIME ITS A TIE

{Pixar Meet & Greet} Buzz Lightyear: I'm a talking toy Dory: I'm a talking fish Lightning McQueen: I'm a talking car Guy from UP: My wife died Everyone: Dory: I'm a talking fish

The 5 Great Lakes: - Superior - Michigan - Justin Timber - Ontario - Frosted F

[spelling bee] Judge: your word is "restaurant" Me: *lips on mic* can you go fuck yourself

Curiosity was the straw that killed the camels cat so dont count ur chickens until u put all ur eggs in one basket because a bird in the hand is worth two with one stone and a penny saved is worth 1000 words but early to bed early to rise catches the worm until the fat lady sings

Doctor: for fuck sake don’t let ur kids jump on the bed anymore Momma Monkey: Okay [doctor gets a call at 1 am] Momma Monkey: you’re not gonna believe this

i have anxiety today which basically just means my depression had an espresso

[tree falls in forest] [doesnt make a sound] GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the— TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh

our generation as grandparents is gonna be weird like imagine ur grandpa listening to drake or texting u “lmao i’m dead”

[sex] HER: oh! Oh! OH! ME: o’reilyyyy HER: autoparts! *we both cum*

the main character of bugs life is an ant named flick. he's a ant. named flick. that's like naming bambi "shotgun".

[reads a tweet with 3 likes] heh *keeps scrolling* [same exact tweet with 50k likes] well bend me over and slap me sideways this is the funniest thing ever i am laughing out loud to the point that i am in fact screaming

Hi Dying I’m Grandson :)

i’m tired of all these parents crying about raising kids like honey i just got hit by a youtube ad that didn’t have a skip option we all have things that test our patience

[after sex] HER: PAUL REVERE: HER: PAUL REVERE: did i make it weird? i feel like i made it weird HER: are u even british?

for this next tweet it’s important to know there’s a guy Dennis at my office who eats egg salad every day for lunch so we call him Egg Salad Dennis. ok here’s the tweet. Hey guys you’ll never guess what Egg Salad Dennis brought for lunch today.