Damnit I love my bed.

I follow more meme accounts than friends.

#1 single male. #2 Male in a fully committed relationship.

Me : “I need to diet.” Me at restaurant : “ya, can I have a pear salad please with NO dressing and a side of large pepperoni pizza? Thanks Janis”

If we are friends, please don’t do the whole “texting back every 20 or 30 minute flirting game that people do” or I WILL try to date you... Male or female cause that shit works.

I’m a morning person, in japan.

Looollll

If I was rich, I’d still have the same problems I have now, except I’d be rich and wouldn’t care 🤷🏻‍♂️

Click it or ticket.

Every time I go on a tip... “Ok, so I’m going to be gone for 3 days... 🤔 hmmm...I’ll probably need to pack about 15 pairs of underwear then”

I think I’m gonna start saying Mum instead of Mom.

Future son goals would be Charlie from Charlie and the chocolate factory. His first paycheck he buys a loaf of bread for his family and gives the rest of the money to his mom. #AngelBoy

If someone sitting next to you sneezes with headphones on, do you still say bless you even if they can’t hear you?

Tim : how much apple juice do you have? I’m running low. Jared : umm what? Tim : can you just unplug your iPhone charger and give it to me please? My phone needs more juice!

My New Years resolution is to cancel my LA fitness membership. We will see if I actually do it or let another year go by lol

If commercial airplanes served Corn Nuts instead of mini pretzels, life would be complete.

Money doesn’t define a person. A person defines a person.