The guy at the Marc’s checkout told me to “have a good night” at 9:30am and I just want him to know I’m thinking about it as much as he is

That feeling when you pull into your driveway but meant to live by switchfoot just started playing on the radio

It’s 5:19 and I’m already sitting on the shitter at work reading about the origins of paleontology.

My body is a machine that turns “cheesecake for 2” into “cheesecake for 1”

Second phone I’ve gotten where Verizon just straight up gave me an iPad

Been wanting to play through Elden Ring again, so if you need me for the rest of the year, don’t.

Pray for me (I have to be at work)

In my chambers (girlfriends parents bathroom) doing some very serious spell casting (farting)

A cursed existence forced to work when I have Elden Ring at home.

Literally the greatest thing about having a type-A girlfriend is that I can just mention wanting to do something and she just happens to know everything about doing it.

Elden Ring let’s play boyfriend 🤝 Instagram reels at 2x speed girlfriend

Nothing like a little political discourse in the break room at 6:30 in the morning.

Sometimes I think about how much my mom would love @fuzzlighty3ar if/when she meets him.

When they gonna start doin aerials in nascar?

Why the S in rotisserie gotta be so sharp for

J*sse L*cey can apologize all he wants but the second you use your platform to be a little fuckin’ freak, you should lose it and never get it back. 🤷

It shouldn’t be that hard for social media apps to warn you when you’re about to repost in the group chat.

I’m not saying I’m good, I’m just saying I don’t need the bumpers.

Do you think anyone’s ever gotten an Instagram ad for a $7000 couch and said “yeah fuck it”?

Sorry your asthma is a little worse today it could be worse though Canada is on fire.