I would prefer not to be consumed by it

something I’ve been embracing lately is having 3 glasses of wine and texting my friends shit like “I admire your integrity”

this shit boring as hell

i’m just gonna start punching myself in the head when i do something wrong so my manager feels bad

noooo my eggs :( they were all in that basket

i told my long distance friend about you in a 20 minute voice memo and they think you’re a real bitch

just accidentally closed a tab i've had been meaning to read for the past 2 years

Ohhhh so now I’m the bad guy. Just for being a huge bitch

if i could read minds, i would use it to say your jokes faster and louder than u

when i was 5 my father introduced me to a friend of his and for no reason at all i hit him right in the stomach with all my strength. he died a year later

All strapless bras need to be taken off the shelves. A total recall. We do not have the technology yet

Sorry I would love to but I just made a bunch of rules for myself and I’m actually not allowed to do that

Plumber man is here to fix the grease trap and I said “give it to me straight doc is she ever gonna walk again” and he said I’m working dude

just went to someone else’s circus and my fucking monkeys were there