Fuck you. I’m turning the tsuchinoko into a burger

Boss, can you please explain how “nostalgia” factors into asking for a live reticulated python to be included in your field rations?

Snake, we’re tight on funds right now, so I’ve taken the liberty of arranging a sponsor. Take this can of Mtn Dew AMP Game Fuel. If you’re seen, make sure you’re seen drinking it. You CANNOT go lethal on this mission, or you'll make the product look bad.

Boss, we lost the sponsor. They discovered we cast a paraplegic to out into the open sea, and now they want nothing to do with us. It was worth it though

Those Cipher bastards are gonna pay for shooting up my ride.

Every night, I kind of feel like shit.

Boss, one of our gunsmiths in R&D just affixed a suppressor to a grenade. Doesn’t seem like it would do anything but at this point what the hell do I know

I replaced Ocelot’s revolver with a cap gun for April Fool’s day and now he wants to beat the shit out of me. I can’t take him. I only have one arm. Help

Boss, I left a wallet with $53 and a Subway gift card on MSF’s old Mother Base. I can get it back if you upload your Ground Zeroes save data.

WE HATE YOUR PUSSY

Boss, come back to Mother Base immediately. Nothing actually important is going on, I just don’t really want you to extract those containers you had marked for after the mission.

Take a look at your iDroid. You can call in a support chopper to drop an anvil on a specific target.

Whacking people with a cane is one of the few things that brings me joy anymore

I died in 2005. I've got nothing for you.

Boss, the support team has prepared a big sack of treats just for you. Don't eat them all at once, or you'll get a tummy ache.

Boss, Skullface stole my copy of Nintendogs: Dalmatian & Friends for the Nintendo DS. I know it's mine, it still has some of my dogs. He has to pay.

Emmerich’s trying to convince me that skeletons are real. I won’t fall for another one of his lies.

Boss, this is urgent. Ocelot just showed the old man this weird game called "Changed" and asked if he could make it real. He said he probably could. Please help. What the fuck am I supposed to do here

Boss, we need you back at Mother Base. I fell down and scraped my one good knee, I need you to come kiss it better.

The terms of service of this website prevent me from disclosing what Cipher has done to me