That miracle moment when you do your homework by yourself.

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.- Jimmy Carter

That awkward moment when you're making breakfast and Lady Gaga pops out from one of the eggs.

Don't lie, I know you have another pencil bitch.

You wanna know whos amazing & got the cutest smile ever? Read the first word again :)

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.- Jimmy Carter

Who else hid in clothes racks at stores when they were little?

how I finish my presentations: So, um.. yea...

Men are like parking spots, the good ones are taken and the free ones are handicapped.

10 years from now. Will it still matter?

If someone ever asks you what your favorite kind of food is tell them.... "Free!"

"I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.- Rodney Dangerfield

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope. -Bill Cosby

It was a woman who drove me to drink and I never got the chance to thank her.- W.C. Fields

"Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent."

everyone can kill 2 birds with one stone, just throw it twice

"you cold dude?- naw b*tch I'm on vibrate.

Don't talk about yourself so much... we'll do that when you leave.

If you're important to them, they will always find a way to make time for you. No excuses, no lies, and no broken promises.

I only check my Voicemail to get rid of that little icon in the screen.