I can understand being anti weed if you’re an understaffed White Castle who just got you’re fifth crave case order in 30 minutes.

They only do make a wish for kids because adults would get too real. “My wish before I die, I would like to know my surviving family isn’t crippled by medical debt” “Can’t do that bud, but you wanna meet John cena?”

When ET came to earth the government was definitely like “oh thank god, we can take those aliens no problem”

Took a treat break from work in which I walk to the coffee shop for a treat but said coffee shop was closed. I am now on leave for mental health

I’m gonna take the stairs to be healthier *can’t find the stairs* Let’s go ahead and cancel the gym membership too

I love when Djokovic starts to use his racket as a cane in between points.

Becoming a new me this year (because my identity got stolen)

A version of this painting where me and three strangers are dissociating on our lunch break.

Insta should just rename “Close Friends” to “People Who Won’t Tell Your Boss”

If I won a Super Bowl I think I would request a suit of armor instead the ring

So the paralympics equestrian… is it the horse or the human? I fully support either way

When will I finally admit that I’m just not a “order a salad at a restaurant” person.

Had a bad feeling about a guy I just met and then he ordered a Twisted Tea so my instincts are spot on.

The aggression of the Boston airport TSA is a necessary evil. I’ve never waited longer than 45 minutes in security.

I’ll tell you this. You want me as a customer? Ads with puppets.