Just as a rule of thumb, you can call people “miss” until they’re 80, no need to ever call anyone “ma’am.” K thanks bye

Back on Twitter for first time in 3 years and realized it’s now a casino: the logout button is hidden on mobile so you can NEVER LEAVE

But what Zuckerberg didn’t tell you is that Instagram’s original intent was how obnoxious can one be

child: where do babies come from me: staying in your hometown after high school

Ah yes, nothing says New York like the dirty napkins hanging from a tree next to the new spring blossoms

Guys. Guys. Guys. Guysguysguysguys. Guys. Guysss. There’s no apostrophe in the plural of DJ.

When NYC shop owners put away those temporary door booth things for the winter

I asked Meryl Streep if she’d care for an hors d’oeuvre and she said no thanks. x.com/johnmoe/status…

*thinks about Donald Glover for 3 hours*

I’ve tried to hide the Twitter app from myself on my phone........ but I always find it. Like a garbage fire glowing in the night.

THAT'S who you married? - me every day on every social media platform

New York City summer is just standing in line. All summer long. And at the end of the summer you get to the front of the line and get one $13 taco.

RENEW BROOKLYN NINE NINE I ONLY WATCH LIKE 4 THINGS THIS IS ONE OF THE THINGS #RenewB99

#brooklyn99 was one of the main reasons why I still want to write for TV. The writing and jokes, strong af ensemble, and heartfelt+silly story lines made it one of the best sitcoms out right now. @djgoor thank you for this gift!! So disappointed, and not just for my spec.

Not to be dramatic about Brooklyn99, but joy as we know it is now dead.

honestly this fall is going to feel so weird without the seniors!!

A bro came up to the very long line to get into Angels in America and shouted, “What are they giving away?!” The guy in line in front of me shouted, “CULTURE, YOU ASSHOLE.”

These kids on the train are counting out loud together and they ALL skipped 67 and just moved on, and anyway, am I supposed to just let this go?

Everything I know about England I learned from Love Actually and today’s Royal Wedding, soo, I’m good right?

Brb need to hire a Handy contractor to open my Pellegrino