E.B White, Shmee Bee White, it wouldn’t take me 196 pages to kill a spider.

Just got my vaccine!!! Man, I’m so happy. Took me like 3 months, but finally found a guy at my gym who injected it right into my bum. Man, so relieved. Also, weirdly ragey...

Soooo Business Class... you walk on board and just hand them your coat and your baby right?

This morning I saw a beautiful rainbow and followed it to the end!! Sadly, all I found was a leprechaun with an empty pot and all his money in crypto.

Some jerk once told me "writing is rewriting". Okay, but like what if I haven't written anything? And the deadline is like two whole days away? And it's almost naptime right now? Then what? I hate stupid advice.

Somebody needs to tell the stupid family of lions down my street that this month is not about them.

This is me watching a bad storm cloud moving towards us on the set of ⁦Old⁩ I believe I was thinking at that moment… “Maybe I should have been a doctor.”

MOVIE PITCH: A hitman get suckered into a multi-level marketing scheme and now he must murder a TON of people or convince his family/friends to sell nutritional supplements.

Sometimes I feel like I would’ve made a great zombie. Except instead of hunting for human flesh, I’d just be waiting quietly in line at Trader Joe’s.

I just got bitten by a vampire. And even more worrying, he told me he opted for the J&J shot.

As a person with commitment issues, “indefinite rule” sounds very stressful.

TIK TOK IS THE VOICE OF A GENERATION is what I scream in the park to make people think I’m 4 years younger

MOVIE PITCH: It’s called “Decline of the White Man”. Nothing heavy and no symbolism. Just gonna be about a snowman on a hill. Maybe a rabbit steals his carrot nose or some shit

👏🏽🙏🏽

Trying to tweet more about screenwriting. *schedules tweet for sometime in February*

My wife: how do you have the energy to write a paragraph to a stranger? Me: i don’t know. i really don’t know My wife: ok Me: is it worse that I keep checking to see if they think I’m funny? My wife: yes Me: ok

Just installed SimpliSafe. Now all the criminals in my neighborhood know I listen to podcasts.

I’m reluctant to ever give a DNA sample because I don’t want to accidentally snitch on my future descendants. Just observing my one year old daughter, I think it’s pretty likely she burns down a house and leaves saliva at the crime scene.

Why isn’t there one standardized size for books?? My bookshelf looks like the teeth of a person who colonized India.

This lightbulb understood the assignment! Even the wiring is excited about Knock At The Cabin ! Hyped for M. Night Shyamalan latest. #bestboss