- welcome to your 70s You've dated 3 Brendas & a Bunny

Hey babe…take off your bra, and join me in the living room.

Apparently “I just don’t want to” is not a valid reason when your boss asks you why you’re not coming in today

Good morning, ya fucking weirdos.

Make her coffee, give her a forehead kiss, then go out there and be as mediocre as you can be.

my everything aches, kiss it better?

This morning there were ants on my kitchen counter, I killed them all of them except one so he could go back and tell his friends that I’m not fucking' around.

🎵Hey there Delilah Do you like creepy songs that are shitty🎵

no you misheard me, i am a microplastic surgeon.

I don't need a boyfriend, I'm already in a committed relationship with alcohol and bad decisions.

Bedtime will be extended to 10pm instead of the regular 9pm. You’re welcome, and be safe.

If you leave chocolate chip cookies in a hot car all day they taste like they just came out of the oven.

So many good humans struggle just to live. Be fucking kind man. ✌️❤️

I left my son at home with my husband for two days, and the first thing my son said to me when I came home was, "can I have sheets on my bed again?"

I can’t even get reciprocated self love

Spinning in Daffodils music.youtube.com/watch?v=GVcKG1… via @YouTubeMusic

🖤🐼🤍

I want to suck those beautiful thoughts from your silver tongue and beg for you to speak them to me again

I've never felt so hopeless than I do tonight I don't want to do this anymore, I'm moving on

Pillow fort and ice cream time