i feel like a hundred bucks! *my soul erupts with the strength of 100 wild male deers*

Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex's hometown, buy her a puppy

I always poop with the door open. But, I leave my seatbelt on so I don't fall out of the car. Safety first.

I hate those days, that remind me of everything I want to forget.

FEMA wouldn't bring me ice for my beer....

"I dwell in possibility." - Emily Dickinson

My love is so deep pan there's so mushroom in my life for you, it sounds cheesy but today or tomato I'm gonna give you a pizza my heart.

"They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself." - Andy Warhol

When it comes to Facebook, there's a fine line between "what's on your mind" and I should probably see a therapist about this.

People with Halitosis need to have more who can hold their breath longest contests.

Do they make Edible Arrangements but with pizzas?

Most of the 1800s was spent painting chubby chicks.

I got 99 problems and they're all friend requests from people I didn't like in high school.

When a movie says "based on a true story" it's automatically 100 times scarier.

I entered 10 puns into a pun contest, but no pun in ten did!

Sometimes what sounds like opportunity knocking is actually disappointment leaving a flaming bag of poop on your doorstep.

I hate lying to kids but my daughter asked me what twerking was and I told her it was when identical twins go to each others' jobs

The birds sing, the sun shines, we stress...

Discipline your mind.

Coughing in front of a smoker to make them feel guilty.