One time I got collection services called on me for a Barnes and noble book bc i thought it was a joke and you could not pay ur late fees if you vow to just never go there again. So anyway i can’t wait to explain that when i actually get hired somewhere after graduating college

I need self checkout machines to lower their damn voice. Cool it with the “ONE DOLLAR AND NINETEEN CENTS. PUT YOUR BANANAS IN THE BAG”

Spicy honey is a gateway drug

Can we start booing at the gate when first class gets called to board i think that would be silly and fun <3

Ain't No Lovin' My Man

There is puberty, and then there is a second puberty where you realize toffee and those werther’s hard caramel candies your grandma would have out are actually delicious

I told my mom I was trying to hang up a picture on my wall and she said i need a stud finder. I’m not sure what my dating life has to do with any of this.

Male podcasts be like

Personally I would want Tino as my husband and I would also call him my little Tostino’s pizza roll. Do with that what you will, Rachel #TheBachelorette

Nobody talks about the small talk with your hibachi chef after the fanfare has died down

This aged so poorly #thebachelorette

Bobby Rohlfs with a HUGE interception to stop a Butler drive!

Went to my first concert in awhile and left with 3 conclusions 1. Wearing a diaper must be required upon entry 2. The crowd should be organized from shortest to tallest 3. Girls that “know every song” shouldn’t be allowed in

I can’t believe humans roamed earth the last 200,000 years without the iPhone flashlight

I have reoccurring nightmares about getting parking tickets. Wish I could go back to worrying about teen pregnancy and not be such a loser

Allow me to, if I may, point your attention to my new twitter header. There you will find real life notes about me that I found in MyCharts from a doctor appointment I had. Next time I’d rather they just come out and say it and call me slim thick for something.

The order in which i think people should be famous -the kardashians -Guy fieri -Guy Fieri’s family

Being a girl is just an endless loop of losing and buying ponytails, underwear, and mini gold hoop earrings until you die