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Superb eggcorn from 5yo, singing “what can I say except: you’re Malcolm, you’re Malcolm!”

Used to tow a car that was snowed in, a snow plow ran over and belonged to an actor who remained in a critical but stable condition, who was Jeremy Renner, weighing more than 14,000 pounds on Tuesday

Love the times parenting a 12mo where you are the Star Trek crew member who has crash-landed and needs to find common communication with indigenous, cantankerous life. “ah-DAH! AH-DAAH!”, he shouts, pointing furiously at the wall. Probably ritualistic, I muse.

Hey, chief: I might be wrong but I think we're flying into a mountain. This makes me feel… scared of the mountain. It does not matter how many times I listen to Cabin Pressure, this line hits like a comedy freight train. Writing and delivery in perfect harmony.

Serving suggestion: line basket with chippy paper, array chicken, tear top piece in half, garnish. Tesco, we’ll call it civilised if there are any stages between baking tray and ravenous mouths.

I don't think fully-justified text can ever be.

There is in German: the Vorführeffekt, or ‘demonstration effect’. It’s the way your broken washing machine magically starts working when the technician appears, or your child’s hacking cough disappears completely the moment you walk into the doctor’s.

Rare work-related tweet but I like this pic. Back row L>R: Annette Doherty, RSC president elect; Helen Pain, RSC CEO; Gill Reid, RSC president. Taking the picture: Claire Gallery-Strong, Honorary Treasurer (Claire gallerystrong 💥).

Theory: no-one really knows what all the different types of diggers are called, but children’s book authors just copy each other and perpetuate an imaginary canon.

Think I’m ready to call it: Lower Decks is the most Trekky Trek. It manages to be a parody, a love letter and the real thing all at once. Great cast helps, along with guests (YES Jeffrey Combs) but the writing, the joke density… 10/10 show.

Multiple experiments have confirmed Edwards’s Law of Dinner Thermodynamics: when a piece of hot food is cut in two, the piece on my plate will cool more quickly than the piece I’m blowing on for my hangry toddler

I’m not paying for PR for my show TWIST at Underbelly Edinburgh this year, so it’ll be a word of mouth dealie as to whether people buy tickets. If you do come see it and like it, do tell people to come see it. underbellyedinburgh.co.uk/event/alice-fr…

indeed

AI tools are helping people to pointlessly expand two sentences of thought into six paragraphs of flabby beige drivel. This one from Spark is using AI to cancel it out again. What's the point of any of it?

Top tier Amazon mistake today. Ordered: portable ergonomic keyboard. Received: combo shampoo/conditioner for damaged hair

Really, Tesco? Bought and refrigerated yesterday.

Think you're useless? Try being the "Skip Intro" button on Brooklyn 99 episodes.

There’s nothing like a carefully delivered Valentine’s Day bouquet. And this is nothing etc etc. Bloom & Wild