Life is like a guitar solo. The longer it goes on, the more embarrassing it gets.

When the average driver stops thinking, "This parking space is angled the wrong direction for my car" and realizes, "My car is angled the wrong direction for that parking space" mankind will have achieved Universal Consciousness.

At its heart, Pixar's "UP" is about an old man who lures a child into his mobile home.

I hope people can learn to separate the art from the artist, because my art sucks, and I'm lame.

just got my stimulus

Relish is just salsa for white people.

Food should work the same way it does in video games. If you eat something healthy, you should get stronger for like 20 minutes.

My critics claim I'm only marrying for her family's money, which is an enormous insult to my lovely fiancée, Theresa Mastercard.

A hookup is just a foster girlfriend.

I'm a hardcore fan, of softcore porn.

Police will pull you over to see if you're committing a crime. And if you're NOT committing a crime, the police will commit one for you.

Wait until these idiots realize that the Earth is FLAT on one side, and ROUND on the other.

It's crazy to think that the Oscars were created by Oscar Goldman, the man who invented acting.

Electrical tape is great if you want something to stay in one place for 24 hours.

Hugh Grant should write an autobiography and call it "Huge Rant."

Having wealthy, influential parents is the cornerstone of navigating any meritocracy.

We're all in the gutter, but some of us are sleeping in our cars.

1. Working class pays taxes. 2. Government redistributes taxes to corporations and millionaires through tax breaks and subsidies. 3. Corporations and millionaires pay no taxes. 4. Working class receives nothing. Truly, this is the best system.