I'm at the vets. A man opposite me weeps with an empty cage in his arms. I'd be crying too if I were that forgetful

I tried to make a website for female drivers but it kept crashing.

You should never reveal your favorite food to your parents because you will have it so much it's no longer your favorite,

That moment when you walk out of a shop without buying anything and all you say to yourself is act natural your innocent.

I ain't saying she's fat but when a judge said order she ordered hamburger, milkshake and fries.

You can tell a lot about someone by reading their emails.

When you are in a serious situation and you think of something funny and try to hold in your laughter.

If cartoons has anything you can learn about it's that the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes everyday

I'd rather drop a baby than my iPhone.... I mean I can make another baby.... But I have no clue how to make an iPhone...

Don't ask me where I've been all your life if you're going to look so bored when I open my diary and give you a answer.

The good news is it wasn't a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.

Would a transformer buy life insurance or car insurance?

You can't fix stupid, but you can buy it a drink and tell it you're in Maroon 5

You can buy a birthday cake even if it's not your birthday. Stupid idiots don't check for ID !!

I'm not saying he's dumb but he booked a appointment to see DR Pepper

I was put up for adoption by my real mum because the cat was allergic to me!

I'm at the vets. A man opposite me weeps with an empty cage in his arms. I'd be crying too if I were that forgetful

Rather glad fathers day is only one one day! I don't think I could go with talking to my father more then one day a year!

When the internet is down my parents know about it! I never even know I had parents downstairs

You think you're smart untill you have to figure out how to turn on someone elses shower