I refuse to get weather updates from a groundhog that sees its shadow on stolen land.

Your action is appreciated!

I don’t know what any of that means

seems my ex-wife has child custodymogged me due to my neglectmaxxing

It was just a hockey game.

We possess the most capable military ever assembled by human civilization. Our intelligence can track a single human being across the surface of the earth. We have the legal authority, the moral standing, and the strategic imperative to act. We must avenge Costco.

Nancy Guthrie if you’re out there we’re doing everything we can to find you.

Anyone with a shred of honesty knows this to be true.

It’s ok. Nothing to see here.

Throw a Xanax on the floor and watch them fight over it

Imagine being in Vegas and hitting rock bottom, getting put in handcuffs, and a street performer instantly turns your arrest into a live freestyle track. He is literally giving play-by-play commentary with a beat while she gets hauled off. Only in Vegas do you get a custom

LeBron never did that

“We must stop the terror. I call upon all nations to do everything they can to stop these terrorist killers. Thank you.... Now, watch this drive.” — George W. Bush, 2002.

Their hearts are not in it anymore.

BREAKING: The United States military is sending Geno Smith to the Middle East to help overthrow the Iranian regime

This is so fucking insane

Nasty: Stefon Diggs jumps into a pool and leaves a residue behind him.

I think we’re all waaaay too calm about all of this