“I never look back, darling. It distracts from the now.”

finally i feel seen. stockier men who look just like me

[phone rings] mary kate: olsen & olsen mystery agency! ashley: we solve any crime by dinnertime! [beat] mary kate: [covers phone] he says his wife's been shot ashley: hang up

Doctor: so how did your hurt your back again? Me: I was sitting down and then I stood up. Doctor: and? Me: Nope, that’s it.

Fact: You swallow 8 gamecubes in your sleep every year.

I turned Netflix off at 5pm after an all day binge to get groceries. At 5:08 I got this clingy message and honestly I feel so guilty now for abandoning them. #Netflix

The Spirit Halloween Store in Louisville is in the old Babies R Us building and it’s fitting because I can’t think of anything scarier than small children.

No, your anecdotal experience does not negate empirical evidence of systemic discrimination. Things can exist that didn’t happen to you, your friend, your cousin or your coworker.

You can rest assured that I, a 24 year old man, did my part in being an engaged citizen today by voting for Miranda Sings for the Kid's Choice Awards.

Lorde what about pokémon cards

Every time I make grilled cheese I think of that time Nate made Andy a grilled cheese in The Devil Wears Prada. Then, I get mad that he didn't support Andy's career. Anyway, thanks for coming to my TED Talk.

Happy #NationalPuppyDay to my cutie, Baxter.

Do you remember when you joined Twitter? I do! #MyTwitterAnniversary

An Avocado Cake Challenge could be amaze. What do you say, Antoni Porowski? 🥑🥑🥑🥑 x.com/Jess_Varughese…

We need a Disney princess who has a structured settlement and she needs cash now and Calls J. G. Wentworth 877 cash now.

Picking Wendy’s #TeamFresh was the Easiest Bracket Ever. A free Dave's Single awaits if you pick the top team too.

why go to Coachella when you can go to MozzaRella, a festival i just invented where you sit inside and try not to get deep fried cheese grease on your underwear

A sign for my favorite political candidate.

Graduated with my M.Ed. Thanks College of Education for the best 2 years of my life.