Find a stranger with your name. Hit them with a pool noodle. - Spring 2021 (not a yoko ono)

Make every version of yourself fight. The winner is a child. - Spring 2021 (somehow this isn’t Yoko either - it’s some dude named Josh)

The pandemic got so weird that I did a two day juice cleanse. I hit absolute rock bottom, so I folded. Like a lawn chair. I feel amazing. My bodies never had that many vitamins before ever. Which is awful. Would I like Goop? I don’t know where the line is.

I saw Joe Rogen being compared to Gwenyth Paltrow because he’s strongly against vaccinating children, and panic googled goop. Wasn’t sure if I really missed something about Goop.

I would never make a lighthearted joke about accidentally becoming a libertarian.

As someone who grew up working at a houseboat company on a large lake, we’re all a little closer to reenacting deliverance than we want to admit.

‘don’t tweet about bitcoin being comparable to beanie babies’ - me everyday.

Is cold pressed a description of the pressing process or is it just to let you know it’s the opposite of hot?

Can I buy LinkedIn connections the same way I can buy instagram followers? Asking for a friend.

Garden State is a movie about Munchausen by Proxy.

I donno who’s idea it was to ‘add friends’ on a fitbit, but someone at fitbit is woefully out of touch about their own product.

I’m almost positive that if I died suddenly, these people wouldn’t step over my body to keep working. That’s a new vibe for me.

My best chance at survival involves switching to a flip phone.

One day there will be a social reckoning regarding the make up choices of professional body builders, and I’m excited to see the memes / headline puns.

I’m happy to report that Dr. Gregory House cured his chronic leg pain with the Carnivore Diet.

All twitter fights are between a person who only speaks in hyperbole and a person who doesn’t know what hyperbole is.

Season 6 of the wire is where we find out McNulty is a horrific sociopath.