Wait what did they do in Gomorrah

Getting more toilet paper ads than I ever have in my whole life

Tapping into my adolescent special interest and studying the wikipedias of every single shark breed

at the hospital asking pregnant women to hold their babies in until my birthday is over

This is how my nail looks after I take the gel off

Telling your obgyn about your new job while she's elbow deep in your cervix is so jarring

If I ever see the capitol one bank guy I'm going to kill him

These are the only Twitter notifs I've gotten in the last 2 yrs hm

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the evidence in this case is entirely circumcisional

Someone tell my brother that it's common etiquete to inform me if he puts me on speaker so my mom can hear *before* I start going on about my weed guy's softcore business that he tried to solicit me for

Currently enjoying a beautiful black and white photograph of a sunset

Coming to the bar straight from the DMV seeing if they'll accept my W2 as ID

I didn't change my guitar strings, they changed me

Hey sorry to interrupt but is anyone here going to Scarborough fair

Pelvis Breastley

Imagine being named Justin Case and not becoming an understudy