Happy Birthday!! 🎉🎂 🍷 to the very funny your other mom !

Didn't know my friend was rich

Marriage is waking up every day and choosing love… even when they left ONE SIP of juice in the fridge like a psychopath.

Irish goodbye: leaving without saying goodbye. Twitter goodbye: leaving and coming back in three minutes.

To Killarney a Mockingbird #MakeAMovieOrSongIrish

Gawd I'm so frickin weird. No DMs.

Middle-aged marriage is like regular marriage—except now we compete over who has better cholesterol and blood pressure numbers, and whose joints crack louder when getting out of bed.

this month feels like a test i didn’t study for

I appear before the same judges often and I always stand and show respect but don’t do a lot of pomp and circumstance. Today I changed things up and said, “May it please the court” and he said, “It does.” And I was so thrown off I said, “Well fantastic, happy to hear that.”

My outie is doing the taxes. My innie is at the bar thinking about my outie doing the taxes.

Day 2,787 that the The Rewatchables and Bill Simmons haven’t done “The Hunt for Red October” Chris Ryan

“Go big or go home.” Me: Home. I’m going home.

There’s tired, and then there’s “took 7th and 8th graders on a field trip” tired.

#IDontConsider myself a pillow FeelGoodFriendlies

I noticed some people jogging past my house and it really inspired me to get up and close the blinds.

I’m “What would Rachel Tobac do?” when I’m resetting a password, years old.

#InMyWorstNightmare The printer fights back SpookyTags👻

Incoming Transmission: From The Future ... Back To The Future Broadway will be on stage in Tampa next month! 🎫 Get your tickets yesterday: strazcenter.org/events/2425-se…

So like i was totally there but can I borrow someone’s notes from the first rodeo