Two burritos, one sauce. First world problems, amirite?

**Visits new church where everyone introduces themselves** Teacher: “I hope you can remember everyone’s name. There’s a quiz after.” Me:

If a computer screen is a robots message to the biological world, then this is my message to the robot world. "Hi, friend.🤗"

Dream Job: Scenic desktop wallpaper photographer

Agreed. It's like wearing suspenders and a belt together. Or using the a/c with the windows open. 🤷‍♂️

Whenever someone questions me further on an answer I've given my stock response is always "quantum analytics confirms it." Nobody ever questions quantum analytics.

My reaction when I'm working in excel and realize that all the tabs have been grouped together this whole time

You may not know this but I'm very health-conscious. As a result, I go through a weekly 24-hr taco cleanse. I always feel so much better!!

Coworker: "Wouldn't it be easier if we put them all on one report?" Me: "Yes... one report to rule them all and on the financials bind them." Everyone: ....🤔

Relationship Problems- Me: Can you do this thing for me? Excel: *spinning wheel* Me: what's wrong? Are you okay? Excel: (not responding) Me: what did I do? Please tell me. Excel: *turns grey* Me: okay fine, let me know when you're ready to talk. Excel: (not responding)

Seeking angel investors for new startup. This market has gone untapped for decades and has guaranteed potential. Don't miss your chance to invest in Dallas' hottest new startup in Amish online dating. For a mailing address to request more info visit: Amishyouwhenyouregone.com

Maybe time travelers keep coming back to 2020 to try to fix this year but keep causing new problems. 🤔

I will keep on supporting ballot access changes that give independent and 3rd party candidates a chance to hold office. If it were up to me I would end political parties altogether !

“We’ve got this system that’s stacked against poor black and brown folks” Daron Babcock is the founder and executor of Bonton Farms. He believes that changes that originate in the community are the most powerful. MORE: wfaa.com/equality #whileihaveyourattention

Hot take: if mask wearing and social distancing are a new normal is it time to short deodorant stocks? Dave Portnoy

Packed full parking lot in Arlington by the time they started waving cars in at this #FoodDrive. Tarrant Area Food Bank and Air National Guard helping people with a 25-pound box of food. Donations are so important in making these events possible. #IAmUp

It's a wonderful life: a 1 and 1/2 hour back story to a 1/2 hour story.

Ventriloquism is much less impressive during Covid.

Saw a guy being extra cautious and wearing his mask while driving in his car by himself. It was night and he also didn't have his lights on, so there's that...

Does anyone else get lil sebastian vibes when hearing people talk about Big Tex?