"What, you expected a news story? I'm on holiday break, GET OVER IT!"

Would our dear Spider have suspected this? Well, of course. At least, so thought Shocker in the midst of what seemed to be a mindless -

"My New Years resolution? Finally getting that punk SPIDER-MAN off the streets!"

"This just in, lunatics EVERYWHERE are raving that the world's going to end! I say, POPPYCOCK! Hello, I'm J. Jonah Jameson of the Fact +

+ Channel, bringing you an... Admittedly delayed Bugle Tuesday! Now, a lot's been happening here in our fine city. Billionaire Tony Stark +

+ is being widely criticized the country over for his recent business decisions, new costumed wannabes have been popping up fast as blazes,+

+ and there are more SPIDER-PEOPLE than GREY HAIRS IN MY MUSTACHE! With all this CHAOS going on, people have the gall, the NERVE, the +

+ absolute LACK of human decency to insinuate that the /ENTIRE UNIVERSE/ is coming to some sort of giant collapse!? I say, NO! We're +

+ hopping from one crisis to another, and everyone's in an absolute PANIC! People need to settle down, and THINK for once in their lives, +

"Want to know something I liked when I was in San Francisco? Not hearing J. Jonah Jameson's ear shattering rants."

+ ESPECIALLY the skin-tight suit wearing weirdos who everyone seems to respect /so much/! Really, people are just getting more and more +

+ irrational... My name has been J. Jonah Jameson, for the fact channel, signing off!"

"THIS JUST IN, SPIDER-MAN'S GETTING A BIG-SHOT MOVIE ABOUT HIM! You know who should REALLY star in that movie!?"

Silk @TrenchantTotem

"... Happy... Happy Valentine's day, Marla..."

"Typical J. Jonah Jameson."

"/YES/!" x.com/arachnidpower/…

"Unveiling Spider-Man!? SOMEONE, GET A CAMERA CREW DOWN THERE!"

"I can't /believe/ there's a whole day to CELEBRATE those freaks!" #NationalSuperheroDay

"WELL? It's true!"