Every Captain & Tenille song was secretly about butt sex.

Hahaha just saw a sullen teenage boy with a massive gash in his hand walking into the hospital with his mom. STB: this is stupid why are we even here. Mom: You have a massive gash in your hand! STB: whatever.

Without Thomas Edison, we’d still be using heavy bulbs.

BREAKING NEWS: Mathieu Darche is expected to be named the GM of the New York Islanders. Thoughts? #Isles

Friday Evening: take 3 dulcolax before bed Saturday: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SWEET JESUS PLEASE CALL ME HOME

I Know About Last Summer-- All the Goings On and Whatnot

Where all my store-brand hotdog roll enjoyers at?

“A movie, but without Pedro Pascal.”

I only have the one Alzheimer so that's not so bad

On this day in 1981 we released the album 'Heaven Up Here'.

The future starts NOW.

sean is short for parmesean cheese

Before our early ancestors discovered bread, people had to eat butter and jam on slices of yak.

Your mom's package is out for delivery.

In a turn of unexpected events, I need to learn karate by tomorrow morning.

I can’t sleep at night without my CPAP (chicken parm and pierogis)

Me [acting cool in front of a cute girl] Her: are you having a stroke

Using only food, tell me where you grew up