Got one of those “who rescued who?” bumper stickers meant for shelter dogs but it’s meant for my recovering alcoholic sorority girlfriend

in Response To Yankee Torpedo Bat, Red Sox sign ‘Iron Dome’

*touching her dark eye bags* Please stop doing this. For me.

Tonight’s plan: 5-12 terrible attempts at Splitting The G and getting mad trying to explain parlays to my girlfriend

The Mumford and Sons Prison Experiment

Need to go to black church and dance so hard I throw up

I met Kermit the Frog I'm never going to fail

Taking the day off from work to watch instagram reels of kids getting hurt

Opening up a new credit card at every store I go to nothing matters anymore and money isn’t real

I’m developing technology that will allow us to smoke cigarettes

While y’all were worrying about quicksand and the Bermuda Triangle I was worried about putting food on the table and paying my mortgage

Waking up drenched in sweat after dreaming about how much I could be playing on my phone instead of sleeping

Just got hit and run by squidward wtf

Just had the pep surgically removed from my step. It was getting to be too much

God forbid a white boy tend the fire

Yes officer. A man broke into my house and forced me to eat that entire bag of Trader Joe’s orange chicken at gunpoint

If you’re looking for me I’ll be smoking a cigarette down by the gas pump

I love when a device I’ve told not to challenge me anymore blatantly challenges every single time

Just learned that the coin is called a “quarter” because it’s a quarter of an inch thick. Mind blown.

Do furries go to the vet or the doctor