The only truly unforgivable sin is to be boring. Oh, and genocide.

You know who has the most-seen genitals in human history? That baby on the “Nevermind” cover. What a slut.

The fact that Weird Al's star on the Walk of Fame only has the music symbol and not the cinema symbol makes me assume that someone must have stood up at a Hollywood Chamber of Commerce meeting and said, "No, seriously though, fuck UHF."

Do you think Ghandi ever showed up to weddings like, “Oh really? This guy is the BEST man?”

Scarecrows don’t work because crows think they’re farmers. They work because they make crows think trespassers are getting crucified in this field.

Either Coke doesn't age like wine, or 2004 was a TERRIBLE year.

My neighbors treat their weed the way Jimmy John's treats their sandwiches: free smells.

There sure are a lot of Foot Locker employees at this football game.

Jesus is a 33-year old male with no driving experience and a felony on his record. I feel like he’s actually the last person you’d want to have “take the wheel.”

#braves1

June 20-22, I'll be in Overland Park with the very funny Ryan Trickey at Clint's Comedy Stop! Get your tickets here: clintscomedystop.com/calendar/

Kansas City! I'll be in Overland Park with the very funny Ryan Trickey this Thursday-Saturday! Get your tickets here: eventbrite.com/o/clints-comed…

Don’t you hate it when you go to a restaurant and the wood grill is pre-recorded?

There is no way that psalm is how that word should be spelled.

I imagine there were at least a couple of kids in Pompeii who were playing “the floor is lava” at the worst possible moment.

If you have a peanut allergy, there’s no right way to eat a Reese’s.

Hey, go check out this sweet new video of my standup produced by IX Film Productions! x.com/IXProductions/…

I don’t agree with giving heroin dealers the death penalty, but I get the logic. The only way to stop a bad guy with a needle full of poison is a good guy with a needle full of poison.

My favorite country song is the first two measures of "Loser."

If creationists were smart...well, they wouldn’t be creationists. But hypothetically, if creationists were smart, their catchphrase would be: “Evolution? Not in a million years.”