Why y’all so mad???

30 years ago, we blew the windows out of the General Wolfe on setting day with a 30 knot south breeze. 9 years ago, we near sank the same boat on setting day on a 25 knot NE blow. Now, with modern equipment, you call setting day off for a 9 knot breeze? Fuck right the fuck off

A Costco sized bag of Doritos lasts 3.4 minutes longer in my house than a traditional sized bag

Yes, I’m absolutely going as the Seacow Samurai this Halloween, wether he’s actually caught or not

Car not electric? Just close the hood on the charging cord and you’ll get better parking.

When the dog grabs the Elf on the shelf and shakes the shit out of it…….

Feels like 200 o’clock.

The people who named the Hot Tub shouldn’t be allowed to name any more things.

Frankly, I’m just waiting for Ric Flairs testimony

I wish I loved anything as much as other people love using FaceTime.

I wonder if the Seacow Samuai will make an appearance during the eclipse?

Remember when we all weren’t pissed off??

It's weird that we talk so much about a "loneliness epidemic" but we don't really talk to people about how to make friends or why they are not making friends. So, a few things. I've said this before and people get very angry about me — but something has to replace smoking.

I could easily be a writer for Grand Theft Auto PEI these days

I AM PORTHOLIO!!!

It seriously frosts my balls to see 2 full racks of solar panels in my yard, 52 wind turbines behind my house, and be under constant threat of. Power outages.

Ladies, get yo self a man with an axe, a wood stove and a 10,000 watt generator Sorry, I’m married.

[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this? [next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?