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I'd step on Legos for you.

Look, I'd love to get to know you better but I'm honestly too lazy to even make the effort

No, I'm not being a dick to you... I'm being a dick to EVERYONE.

I sometimes wonder if I'm a product of a botched lobotomy.

Get in loser, we're getting matching Care Bear tattoos.

Gross, I just stepped on Monday barefooted.

Stop asking me if I'm high, just assume I am.

So I guess we're not allowed to floss at the dinner table on a first date?!

Shhhh, no talking during my acoustic version of Me So Horny.

In my defense, I know for a fact that 4-year-old was cheating at Chutes and Ladders.

No, I never thought I would end up day stripping at a flea market but it's a living.

I try to reenact as many Golden Girls scenes as I can in my life.

It's hard not to cry when your stuffed animals are booing your karaoke performance.

"I was napping" is a legitimate excuse in any situation.

I ate so much at the buffet that they were throwing roses at my feet as I left.

I suck but I consistently suck.

Don't listen to anyone that tells you that you should get out of bed, you don't need that kind of negativity in your life.

Feign interest in my life so I know it's real.

My cat and I compete over who's more judgmental.

Is it just me or are these 5 minutes craft video getting out of hand, hang on till I get my industrial grinder, welders torch oot ... To make a coffee table out of metal ....