After world war II, Tony and I came back and just started banging bitches.

Last night I had a dream that I was drinking a beer, and now I'm drinking a beer. Fuckin weird, man.

I come from a long line of people who care. I raise my glass ..

I’m bad at boundaries. I love who I love. Sometimes it’s just from a little further over there.

Sometimes I think I just need a sparkly baton

My frequently used gif section makes me happy

No, I can’t give you a ride to the airport, but I can help you download the Lyft app because we’re adults now.

Children in the Eighties lived in fear that Nancy Reagan would get them if they misbehaved.

If you don’t hear the Benny Hill theme song while wrestling a fitted sheet onto your mattress, then you’re doing it wrong.

I'll to, too, your, you're, there, their, and they're you under the table

Some days are better than others. This isn't one of them.

Can't, taking notes on how sane people act and feel.

I wish I loved anything as much as old people love eating toast.

YOU PEOPLE HAVE STOOD IN MY WAY LONG ENOUGH I'M JOINING THE BULL RIDING CIRCUIT

I just woke up and opened Twitter and now im already mad

I'm fluent in sigh language

I will be closely monitoring your ass to ensure you don't fart in my Jeep.

Out of all the types of people who MUST be stopped, the stranger who sits beside you when there’s tons of open chairs is the most baffling.

Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.

I love people that get offended on Twitter. They sort of make it all worth it.