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Welcome to your 40s. Your favorite foods now turn against you.

"Fuck this shit I'm going back to bed, you should too," me as a therapist.

I’ll be living my best life out of spite

Α Roomba for our fears

Dear Grandma, I'm not lazy. 7:40pm just isn't the right time to ask me to thread a needle.

Getting offended is the new crocs

ask yourself if you want to be where you are in five years and if the answer is yes, congratulations

All of the mud your shoes left behind.

When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned. It’s hard to tell from this tree.

I'm a hopeless sarcastic

getting my life together for the 3,574th time this year.

Dealing with Thursday like a cat who walked across the top of a vacuum & accidentally turned it on.

I want to be a more religious person. At least that's what I'm amen for.

oh noo i made a mistake i’m going to let it haunt me forever

Female rage is your handbag continuously slipping off your shoulder

my wife just came in, grabbed a wine glass and filled it with whiskey and walked off. I feel that.

I can have a clean house or I can keep my kids off screens, you can’t have it both ways Karen!

I've been married so long that I know exactly what every husband will say when his wife gets mad at him. Whatever makes it worse...