6 said he couldn’t sleep because his eyebrow (yes one) was on crooked. At least the excuses are getting more creative, I guess.

My kids are playing a game called Screaming Babies in case anyone needs a reminder to buy birth control.

E-Readers are cool and all, but you can’t do that thing where you put in your bookmark and look at the chunk of pages you’ve read so far and feel all accomplished.

Me: you have marker on your eyebrow. 6: don’t worry. It’s just pizza sauce.

You don't actually feel hunger after 40. That's just your reflux.

Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.

I’ve never seen my husband look at our son with as much pride as when his sushi hand roll arrived and he told the waiter they forgot the hand.

My 7yo made breakfast* for himself and his younger brother, I'm so proud *opened popsicles

My 5yo created a game where he makes a mess on the ground and my role is to clean it up. This game is a little too close to reality for my liking.

I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was "Stupid Question Day"

Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.

I just want a washing machine that actually has one minute left in the cycle when it says it has one minute left in the cycle. Is that too much to ask?

My daughter tried to scare her sister by telling her if you eat too many bananas you can die because they have a radioactive property and it’s never been more clear that I’m nailing motherhood.

The VA has failed to refill my antidepressant and my IBS medicine so instead of shits and giggles it’ll be shits and sobbing for the foreseeable future

I’m currently force-feeding myself a salad and that has to count as exercise

Server: Do you have room for dessert? Me: Nope. But that’s never stopped me before.

It’s all about balance. Have only a little cheese on your pasta. As you ate the rest of the pack whilst you cooked.

I have goals. In 5 years, I see myself on a stronger anxiety medication.

you won’t have to apologize for the intensity of your love or weirdness with the right people

We went to visit my dad at the care home and they said he’d been sleeping badly and was agitated. 6 said “don’t worry papa, I’ll help to relax you” then he sang to him. Dad smiled and closed his eyes. He has few memories now but I know he was trying hard to store that moment