The pace of eating at Chinese restaurants on Christmas can only be described as “your last night alive”

Got tossed into a breakout room alone

Under the Castle Doctrine you can legally kill Santa if you believe he’s there to commit a felony or inflict serious bodily harm upon you

Just experienced the American dream (used a single Chinese word to describe a concept that does not exist in English, leading to a discussion on the Sapir–Whorf hypothesis)

ME (repeatedly humiliating myself in lasting yet preventable ways): When will the humiliations end…

It’s important to understand that nickel and diming is my cultural heritage. The legacy of my forefathers. A core purpose. My great grandfather didn’t flee the Pale of Settlement just in time to lose all his money in the stock market crash of 1907 for me NOT to nickel and dime.

[zoning out completely] I love free money from the government :)

If you spell “canceled” the British way because you think it’s easier on the eyes then you’re Benedict Arnold to me, no question

ME (getting back half of a security deposit): I’ve recently come into a large sum of money…

Now this is how you really know he’s an Ashkenazi Jew

Enjoying the new iPhone update

Got this email today — encouraged by the state of literary criticism among our youth!

Thinking about the time my mom made me go to a prestige Broadway matinee the day after I got my wisdom teeth pulled and blood kept dribbling down my chin and I scared a bunch of theater enthusiasts during the intermission

Quick question is Dead & Company a Ship of Theseus type situation

I always know something’s popping off with my mom when my LinkedIn views spike

I’d like to apologize to my droves of fans for not tweeting enough recently. You have to understand that, as a government employee, I’m not allowed to be funny

When I do this that’s how you’ll know things are going really badly for me

Just realized this is how I feel when I put rubbing alcohol and a band-aid on my scraped knee