Not my circus but I've grown quite fond of its monkeys

Yeah people’s main complaint about Trump isn’t that he’s a bad dinner host you fucking moron

(Trying to get fired from my job) hey did you see what i said about charlie kirk

Silly Jimmy Kimmel. He should have just called for all homeless people to be killed and he’d still have a job.

Overheard in sf: “I think that guys listening to our conversation”

Cute jacket. Let me check out the reviews to make sure it doesn’t smell like fish

if taylor swift wrote these lyrics that’s really bad. if chatgpt did it, that’s REALLY really bad. but if travis did it? i’m kinda proud of him

This hits extra hard if you were in a haunted house 1 year ago

i hope they keep at it like this for the rest of their lives. beautiful chaos demons

Living a healthy and full life in order to pull off an incredible bit. We're watching a master at work.

saying “who is it?” when the doctor knocks on the exam room door

I don't think we need two-factor authorization to sign up for Jersey Mike's rewards program. I think we can play that one a little loose.

a father on my flight wouldn’t let me switch seats with him so I could sit next to his wife and baby

exposed brick is a huge selling point in apartments because you can do standup comedy there

You’re laughing. Three million Rob Schneider fans are trapped in a digital purgatory and you’re laughing

i said it was my favorite movie i didn't say it was good

I really enjoy the implication of caution tape spattered with blood. It’s like the the cops were called for an initial murder but in the time since they showed up, even more violent acts have occurred near the original crime scene.